her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
