I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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