I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
