I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
