I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
