New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
