I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize