Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
