dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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