I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
