at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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