Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Randomize
