I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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