she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
