Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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