her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
