Barsexuality is the new black.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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