I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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