she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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