My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
