hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
