I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Randomize
