I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
