omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
