and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
