I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
