I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
