I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
