I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
