Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
