We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
