my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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