u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just had sex on a roof
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
