i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i barfeds in our rink
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
