I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This is classic penis vs brain.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
