Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
