Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
