I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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