this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
smell my finger.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
