So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
