He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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