i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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