Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
