So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
