Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
