I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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