can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
