I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
