Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
