is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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