Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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