Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
