my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
