cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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