thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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