thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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