Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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