I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
