she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize