I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She announced her abortion via fbk
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
