I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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