he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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