At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
