that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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