The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
