He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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