remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
it's like iHOP with fire
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
