I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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