Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
