I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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