who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
