I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize