Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
